Disintegrate

I’ve begun this letter so many times

I’ve started, forgotten, resumed and stopped

For sometimes, I cannot find the words

and others, I cannot find the hope

I wanted to write you a love letter

To see if I could remember you

But these walls that surround you

Are made of an ice that no fire can melt

The days go by, I hold a memory of you

I try to capture in my mind the things I used to know so well

Every once in a while I find myself talking to the ghost of you

I laugh alone, I love alone

I smile alone, I cry alone

In a strange kind of togetherness

Four years ago, this, I wrote:

Can human love be so weak…

That it can turn soulmates

Into strangers in a train

In just a matter of days?

My love, I wanted to write us a letter

Because I feel we are disintegrating

But there’s no ink in this pen

It’s gone dry after so much effort

To try and reach the side of you

That I know still would recognize me

Even if the winds

have devastated us

The years have changed you

I’m sure your clothes are not the same

I’m sure you carry in you more wisdom

Walk a bit slower

Think a bit less angry

Laugh a bit more free

Care more intensely

and get more nostalgic

I left a piece of me in you

And I’m sure it has evolved

Or maybe it stagnated

Into something that’s not me anymore

We are now two strangers

Who every once in a while remember

But never again communicate

Oh, my love, how hard it is to remember you

And even though every day the memories slip more from my mind

I’m happy these days, I swear

I grew up, became responsible

I bought a house, and made a home

You’d be proud of me

if you only knew how far I’ve come

And yet, I still miss your protection

Your eyes watching over me

I sometimes wonder if, when you pray at night, you still mention my name

And still wish me well

And send me your angels

So that I can fly without your wings

You tattooed your name so deep into my soul

That every gesture I make has a habit of yours

I still talk to you as if you were there

The silly comments no one else would understand

And I miss your answers

The things I know you would say

I’ve been running away

From this memory of you

For so long

And when it catches up with me

It rips off my clothes

Leaving me naked in the middle of a storm

A storm in the form of your absence

A hurricane that destroyed our home

And sent us on separate ways

And when I think of you

I first feel cold

As if the days have healed my heart

From the need of you

But soon I realize my eyes are trying to water

The dry petals of our love

And then I feel sinking into an abyss without a soul

And I try to hold on to your smile

But your teeth are sharp and they crack my skin

Because the same smile that used to comfort me

Now hurts so deep

My love, we disintegrate

We become transparent and unseen

Even in these memories we are not the same

We are angry and obscene

I become a coward that runs away

From the things that make me bleed

When before I would have battled it all

To fight for our home

A house made of wood

And I lit a match

Without thinking of the harm it could…

Four years ago, this, I wrote:

And one day, I’ll meet my future self

The one that wrote those letters back to us

I’ll tell him (with shame) I lost you along the way

(but mostly with pain) But that I kept you inside

(I can’t stop crying now) I know he might be sad…

(I’m so fucking sorry) I know I’ll break his heart

And I’ll apologize... with tears in my eyes

But a smile on my face… (The way you taught me to always smile)

Because remembering you shall always be a bittersweet affair

Oh, my love it’s been so long

I’ve met my future self, again and again

I’ve collected mountains of regret

And cannot dust away the pain

Just learned to give it all some space

so that with my heart, it could cohabitate

And now I’m writing those letters that we once received

And sending them to the past

In hope we haven’t forgotten how to read

But there’s no amount of apologies

that without your answers

could grant me any peace

I’ve learned to live without you

But the part of me that still lies in you

Pulls me like gravity

Towards irreversible damage

To a heart that has become weaker with the years

All I have now

Is the disintegrating memory of you

Don’t let it be smudged, please

Don’t let it vanish into the winds

Save what little there still is

Hold it with me in our hands

We cannot save this, love, it is too late

But my heart is too broken and I cannot find the missing piece

If you never let me know

That you remember me too

That you never did forget our love

And that you don’t hate me so

Help me hold these pieces with your tender hands

For I’ve carried their weight alone for far too long

Help me stop my tears from trying to water these dead roses

And help me bloom something new instead

Bare your naked soul to me

I promise I won’t hurt it anymore

Don’t let these words get lost in the wind

Understand the way I’ve been here with you

Even after all these years

More than four years my dear

Your silence has been loud and clear

Let me apologize to you

Help this guilt of mine disappear

Hold my hand even if it’s just one last time

Look at my eyes and let our past reconcile

End it the way it should have been

Not through anger and hurt

But with peacefulness and love

Not in tears, but in kind nods

Not in pain, but in hope

You are not miles away anymore

God brought you back near me again

I wonder if sometimes you think the same

Shall we let these pieces of us stop being homesick

Catch a movie sometime

Sit by the canals with a glass of wine

Let these rivers dictate our fates

And start over with a new slate

With our names written in peace

As the friends we always were

Because human love shall never be so weak

And we will always be soulmates

And if you smiled upon reading this

Even if you cried…

Don’t wait.

And if you didn’t

Maybe I’ll try again

Next year…